Living In A Lazy Parallel Minecraft World

The daunting first post--eek!

As said above, I will be using this Minecraft journal as a personal journal simultaneously, for I believe you cannot separate the art from the artist (how pretentious does that sound?) Do you know what I mean though? Like, I believe our individual experiences inform what we do in any creative endeavor.

On this day (a Monday, most egregiously), I have COVID. Yep. Shoutout to my good friend Jordan for that one. All targeted joking aside, I am more well on this particular day than the past day in which I first succumbed to this ailment. I have a limited ability to work, but interestingly, I have quite a bit of availability to play Minecraft. It's like when you're a kid and you get to miss school because you're sick and instead of "resting" like you should be (what does that even entail, anyway?), you play video games or watch TV.

Since this is the first post, an introduction to my Minecraft world is in order.

I think nothing better sums up this world better than the title of the world, appropriately named "cyndaquiIs Realm5" because I made so many copies of it that I needed to put that 5 to serve as some sort of unique identifier. Why do I have so many copies of this world? Wither fight gone poorly. That's all I'll say on that.

To start, my base consists of this massive circle in the middle of the great ocean stretch. Even before that though, this base as its center encircles the once-distant memory of an ocean monument, now carved out as a pit that extends down to near-bedrock level.

Indeed, the flattened land you see has been painstakingly hand-drained--sand, sponge, and all. This massive project is one I have commited myself to for life. I've even enlisted my Wife to complete it should I ever leave this world prematurely. I certainly hope that doesn't happen but I suppose it is inevitable at some point. I suppose this is my way of leaving some sort of legacy.

I wonder why so many people, including myself, wish to leave behind some sort of legacy of our existences to those upon which it will be passed. Be it next of kin, or spouses, or even friends, why do we feel the need to leave behind something for them? It's not even for them, I think, but rather, it's for the person passing the legacy. I think of my late Father, who died one week ago from today from cancer. Prior to learning the news of his cancer within the last two months, one of the things my Father had wanted to do was pass on the "Ranch." The Ranch is currently a plot of land out on the outskirts of Kingman, Arizona. His goal was to ultimately put a house on this land and do all sorts of other things, with the ultimate goal of passing it on to my Sister and I. I believe the ultimate idea was for the Ranch to be a place that we own and at which we can come together as a family should it be necessary. The twisted irony here is that my Father was far from seeing his goal of the Ranch to completion, and ultimately transferred the land to his half-brother.

I was disappointed when I learned my Father had done this, to be honest. My sister and I would joke about the Ranch--how often my Father would bring it up and specifically reference it being his "legacy." But then, in the face of imminent death, upon realizing that his legacy was nothing more than a dream, my Father decided it should go to his half-brother. As it should, honestly, the half-brother along with his wife discharged caretaking responsbilities over my dying Father in his final hours, a feat unmatched given the reality that this is a very stubborn man.

Sometimes, I think about my Father laying in his death bed, potentially contemplating his own legacy, realized or not. He clung to the idea of his legacy. It's as if he knew his arrival upon death's door step was approaching and as such desparately focused his time on preparing the Ranch to be legacy-ealized. He wasn't able to complete it in the end. That fact pains me.

I don't think I'm anymore entitled to my Father's legacy than his half-brother notwithstanding the fact that I'm his daughter. You have to earn your keep, after all. Earn the right to someone's legacy. Truly, to be the beneficiary of someone's legacy is an honorable, deserved position. Regretfully, I do not believe that position was one that I occupied.

Going back to my Minecraft base, the pictures do not do this massive structure justice in illustrating its sheer scale. I couldn't tell you the diameter of this circle, but oh boy, I know its a big one. It's not really that impressive building a circle, but that's okay, it doesn't need to be impressive to anyone other than myself.

Do you see the blanket of thick fog filling in that center hole? Isn't that amazing? It's really driving home this idea of it being an abyss shrouded in mystery and danger. I believe that's the angle I'll go for the lore of this abyss.

Making a 180 degree turn, you'll find my humble little house. I keep my chest storage and villagers here currently, although this is not a long term placement for either of these things. Originally, I was going to tear this thing down when I eventually got around to building more interesting things in this ...pit? Base? City? Well, anyway, I changed my mind on the demolition ultimately once I learned to better embrace imperfection in my world. You know, you see all these Minecraft content creators online making these grand, artful builds. It's easy to compare yourself to those creators and question your own ability given the ceiling of skill that exists far above you. But again, this world is for me and me only. Who am I trying to impress?

It is for this exact reason that you see MOTHIM adjeacent to my house, of all things

Mothim has no relevance to my worldbuilding here. None. But he makes me happy, so I built him anyway. I especially love how he looks at night.

There's just something about doing whatever the fuck you want with your world and playing for yourself that is so liberating. I am having so much fun with Minecraft right now and I hope I can keep having fun with it. It's also been a nice creative outlet too as I'm constantly thinking of new ideas for the world. My longterm goal is to share these ideas and showcase their execution here. Until then, the rest of the introductions will have to wait. Here's to another day of sharing (tomorrow)!

Good morning! Today I submitted the MONS Act to the Governing Board for review. They will vote on it this afternoon.

It is a bill that mandates construction of a Nether highway that meets regulatory standards. The necessity arises from my current lackluster highway which has time and time again caused me to fall into lava and lose a good amount of stuff, including my all-time favorite enchanted Riptide Trident, Ghira. Replacing her was a huge pain in the ass, and this experience alone illuminated the need for an actually safe Nether highway.

Truthfully, I'm a bit concerned for the vote this afternoon. I'm planning on getting with the Board members to discuss their current positions and see if I can effectively lobby for them to vote yes on my bill.

The current Board members are Clam, Daryl, Boris, Nikolai, and Isabel.

Clam and Isabel are easy--usually they vote for legislation that increases taxation but benefits the lives of constituents.

Nikolai is a toss-up. He is a bit more fiscally liberal but he takes a bit more convincing than the first two.

Daryl and Boris on the other hand are old-school types--your typical rural, gun-slinging Republican boys. They don't like increased taxes, and they think safety measures are "for pussies." I know they'll vote no on my bill, so at the very least I need to win over the majority. Nikolai, this is in your hands now, bud.

The time is 6:44pm. Now is the time for the Board vote on the MONS act. Present here from left to right is Daryl, Isabel (I think there's something going on between them?), Boris (with a black sheep in his boat), Nikolai (distracted as ever) (also sharing a boat with Tuesday), and Clam. Alas, the Board members cast their vote.

The votes are in. As expected, Daryl and Boris cast NO votes. During this whole vote, they have thrown at me sneers and taunts about the nature of this bill. No matter. My bill WILL pass.

Also as expected, Isabel and Clam are my YES votes. Thanks guys. Now for the final swing vote: Nikolai. Let's back up a second. I actually know what this vote will be.

You see, lobbying in the United States is perfectly legal. I would say in theory lobbying has a legitimate, couth purpose for good. Now bribery, that's illegal. But also, one of these things is just like the others. Hmmmm..

Well, anyway. Prior to this vote, I met with Nikolai personally. I explained to him I need his vote. Nay, I need this project. It is essential for the good of the realm. I said, "Look, Nikolai, I know you're hesitant on this bill. Believe me, I get it. Your district, consisting mainly of upper-middle class trendy well-dressed gays, well, they're concerned about the increase this might have on their taxes. You see, these gay constituents, they like to share their decorative drinks on their social media. Sometimes they'll post about politics. Usually it's some peak lib shit. Rainbow capitalism or something. Yeah, the she-E-O types. You know what I'm talking about. But I digress. Nikolai, my friend, hey buddy, listen, I hear your people have some concerns. There's a small subsection of their neighborhoods that's getting a little "run down." Terrible, isn't it? But what if we revisted the attendance zone boundaries for their kids' schools, mm? Maybe put those "working class" kids out into another district? On top of that, let's up the ante on our truancy ordinances, yeah? Just to really bring it all in, get the lackluster kids out, you know? On top of that, buddy, I'm gonna have my contracters build you a nice new house. Just as a thank you gift. Don't even worry about it. But hey, let's get back to that vote. Can I count you in as a yes, buddy? Awesome. Hey, thanks pal. Here's to better schools and better homes, my friend. Cheers."

Heheh, well, suffice it to say, I sure as hell got my yes vote. 3-2 in favor of building my Nether highway. I'm gonna start working on that now. *kiss*

I've been hearing a lot about AI lately. Of course, I've known about generative AI's capabilities (and dangers) for some time now, but only now am I hearing the intimate details of its more omnipresent yet maligned innerworkings on the fabric of our society as we know it. People are using ChatGPT for companionship, therapy, hell, even self-idoltry. Generative AI is changing the digital art scene entirely. Who could forget the fact that large language models are supplanting cognition in the workplace and learning institutions all over?

All of this is straight out of a sci-fi dystopian hellscape--a work of fiction--and yet, we are there now. Not even the em dash is safe anymore! Fuck you, ChatGPT.

You see, I love the em dash. There's just something about this little character that does so much. I feel like there's nothing more human than interjecting your own sentence with nonsense, yet the irony here is that LLMs have co-opted this little punctuation mark and consequently its use has become a tell for AI authorship. I won't stop using it though. In fact, I'm gonna keep using my little double-dash. No one will stop me from conveying the meaning of the em dash.

Now more than ever, there is a desparate need for genuine human authenticity in art (of all forms) and connection. Interpersonal interactions are messy and complicated, but that's pretty cool, right? Just like my Minecraft world. It's incoherent, inconsistent, and contradictory, but to me it represents the liberating philosophy of just doing whatever the fuck I want (within reason, of course) and most importantly, make error.

Až Najara is a fictional deity I have created as the keystone consideration for this world.

I didn't finish my entry from yesterday. I was planning to, but just didn't. I wanted to talk about Až Najara, but of course, I just didn't.

Maybe I am trying too hard to make these entries too verbose and ramble-y. Or maybe I just enjoy having the stage to myself. I just don't know.

I haven't been having the best time in Minecraft lately. I'm trying to make this auto smelter setup and it's just not working out. My lava buckets keep going in the wrong hopper and it's really pissing me off. I intentionally didn't follow a tutorial because my one rule for myself is that if I'm going to have an automatic farm, I need to learn how to make it and design it myself. Well, here's for trying.

I don't really know how I'm feeling right now. It's not great, but kinda neutral at the moment. I wonder if all of this ever gets easier. So far into my 26 years of life, I haven't been able to arrive at that answer quite yet.

I should follow the same philosophy in my own personal life that I do with automatic farms in Minecraft. Struggle and just do it myself, because at least if I fail, it's by my own effort. Just like me now, I refuse to do the actual work to get what I want in Minecraft. I could just learn the redstone. Or how hoppers work. Or even the basics of a good furnace array design. But I don't. I revel in my lack of knowledge. It's probably more like willful ignorance.

Wanting something but not enough to do anything about it. It's a tale as old as time. Maybe I'll learn how to make an auto smelter. Or maybe I'll tear it all down and go back to a more manual smelting approach. Shit, atleast I had results with my janky setup. I really don't know anymore.

What do I want with this Minecraft blog? Do I want to talk about Minecraft or my feelings? Should I make a separate one for feelings? Isn't that just a journal? Isn't this just a journal?

Across the street from our apartment is this stroad, Seventh. Right before a major intersection, right before even the gold country club, stands a quarter-mile stretch of cement wall. Lined along this dusty pale wall is an abnormal amount of Oleander bushes, which is a site so abnormal that I think about it a lot. We watched a documentary where someone poisoned another using Oleander. I think, maybe one day I'll cauldron up some Oleander and put an end to this existence. But then I get too caught up in the logistics to see such thoughts to fruition. It kinda goes back to the auto smelter. I want it, but not really bad enough to do anything about it. It's pretty unfortunate living like this.

I don't wake up to an alarm anymore. No, instead, my body is in the habit of waking itself up anywhere between 1:00 a.m. to 3:30 a.m. on average. Today, it was about 1:04 a.m. It It's currently 6:15 a.m. as I'm writing this. Needless to say, I am in the process of brewing myself a second cup of coffee.

I couldn't bring myself to play Minecraft neither yesterday evening nor this morning. Maybe my hyperfixation on playing religiously for the past two months has finally run its course. Things can't stay intense forever; but I suppose that's life.

Currently I'm interested in creating artwork again. My new favorite way to do art is by looking at inspiration and reference. This may seem obvious but for me its a big step. For so long have I approached artwork stubbornly, opting only to draw from imagination and by the same token blaming myself for not being able to draw things well.

Anyway, I am feeling especially anxious this morning. I feel as if my stomach will devour my lungs and heart. An endless void of anxiety-fueled consumption, quelled only by Propanolol and other mind and body-altering substances. There's lots of silent noise, too. Why did I drink that second cup of coffee?

I don't want to say I wish I didn't feel things as intensely as I do on occassion, but the thought certainly crosses my mind in moments like these. I almost took three Propanolol, but that seemed excessive. Two is fine, yes?

REYKAT is a Russian digital artist who specializies in a mixture of fine art and furry art. I discovered her work this morning on Pintrest and almost immediately I was captivated.

You can feel the soft texture immediately, and yet, nothing about the softness presented here drowns out the visual clarity and detail. In fact, there is a certain edge to the way she paints finer details. The eyes are alive and blood-filled. The intense lighting ofthe piercings contrast nicely with the lips, which clearly define the planes of this character. Her shading is incedible. Her rendering is unlike anything else. I love it.

The fur here. The horns. Just incredible. I really don't know how else to describe this work.

This is the style I will strive for. It will take mileage, but I will get there.

Alright so here begins my journey to come close to creating artwork inspired by REYKAT. The strat here is balancing softness with crisp detail, as well as mastering portrait anatomy. Through REYKAT I discovered the beauty and power of the AIRBRUSH. Here are the first pieces I was able to create using my newfound knowledge of this tool:

So obviously, this experimenting has shown to me that you can't solely rely on the airbrush. But what the airbrush accomplishes is the softness of the face. I feel like I can actually shade the eye and the area around the eye which I struggled to do with a hard brush. But again, there is a time and place for an airbrush just like there is a time and place for a soft brush. Figuring out this balance will be my next challenge.

Let's talk about anatomy for a second, because I think that's also my next challenge. I have a surface-level understanding of the planes of the face, but I think in order to get to the next level of my artistic development, I need to have a better understanding of the face and its components. Let's take a look at this together

So first, I think we take a top-down approach to the face. What I mean by this is the face as we know it represents the harmonious interplay between the skin and musculoskeletal system. In other words, to understand the sum, we must understand its parts.

Starting with the forehead, it looks like we have two sections: the central and middle forehead compartments. That makes sense already. The middle forehead compartment I imagine controls independent movement of the eyebrows. I'm sure the central forehead compartment assists with that, although right now I couldn't tell you what exactly it does. Moving more distally, we have the lateral temporal cheek compartment. That has to be that kinda hollowed out section of the skull, right? If we look at an image showing the planes of the face, this one is obvious:

This picture gives us a great complimentary reference for our anatomical reference. Here we see our lateral temporal cheek compartment. Oh! And look! Right beneath that, that sorta triangular plane in between the middle forehead compartment and the lateral temporal cheek compartment, that looks like the "Sup. temporal septum" on our diagram. I imagine that's the slightly raised portion on the outskirts of our eyebrow bone. If we look at our plane reference, we can see that more light is reflected off of that compared to the lateral temporal cheek compartment, which makes sense because its raised.

If we follow along the "Sup. temporal septum" we arrive at the "Inf. temporal septum." I'll be honest, I don't really know what all these septums do, but they seem important enough, right? We can see that part on our planes reference. It seems to reflect the same amount of light as its sup. counterpart, and almost acts as a border between the outer cheek bone.

Hold on a second, we are forgetting an important part of the lateral temporal cheek compartment! Ugh, I need to get ready for the work day, so I can't talk about that anymore right now, although I am really excited to. I think this is the exact thing I need to learn how to do better portraits. Here's to having a cool productive workday so I can come back to this! Until then, cheers!

Oops! It's been a few days. But even in the absence of saying anything, my artistic development is taking off. But before getting into that, I want to figure something out. Or maybe not even figure out, but just discuss this phenomenon going on in my life.

So whenever I get high (on weed), my brain ascends. I don't know how to explain it, but when high, the way I visualize shapes and forms transforms. Suddenly, I understand the intricacies of the human face. The underlying muscles that lie beneath the surface of our skin which explain the various subtle minor protrusions of our facial form. Friday night, I created this:

Like huh? I did that? How? The thing is, too, is that my understanding of form doesn't go away when I sober up. No, no. I retain that knowledge. Because then on Saturday, I then created these:

(Based on Ave's sketches)

(Also based on these respective drawings by Ave)

Am I really just such an unsavory presence that I immediately drive a wedge in between me and other people? Why am I such a polarizing actor in my relationships? Why do those relationships more often than not end in peril?

It is obvious that I am the common denominator in this. That fact is not lost on me. I think that reality makes it even more of a bitter pill to swallow. Perhaps if I cool it with the objectionable behavior which is in most cases fueled and self-prophesized by anxiety maybe then will my relationships be less hot and cold.

I recognize I've made mistakes in my life. Many, many mistakes. Especially with my relationships. I know that I must live with those sins. It's probably not even that deep.

I'm sickened by myself, honestly. The things I have done for attention make me feel gross. I don't want to seek attention anymore. Why do I lower myself to appease a nonexistant audience that is manufactured by my own ego.